I missed it !

Celebrations began when I first announced to my hubby  "I missed it!".Both of us dint know how to react to it nor did we know how we were to tell it to our folks.

Gathering all my wits,  I decided to share it with my sister.Though she does hold an MBBS, that's really not the reason why I decided to share it with her,I did so only cause I always tell er things first.Suppressing the joy in her tone and ignoring the tension in mine,she started to care about her profession and asked me  to go ahead to test it .Acting as if we I was really not bothered about it, I said " I will check it in the evening or so.. n see".


My hubby n me decided we would check it the next day morning as that was the ideal time and decided to sleep.Not able to sleep, we got up at around 12.30 and found it be positive.I dunno from where but from somewhere my hubby got me a piece of sweet and then began our dreamz of that wonderful life in me.


Next day, we announced it to my parents as we left for work,and then there was a huge cry of happiness that spread around with the news traveling more than thousand miles per second.Our mobiles continued to ring from then on...

Time started to pass but it still seemed very slow. 9 months seemed like 9 years for us.Visits to doctor and labs started frequenting till one day when we heard the heart beat.I think only people who have gone through what we did, can even imagine how happy we were.And finally, we were advised that we need to visit the doc only if there were any issues or after 2 months.


Every day was full of happiness, don't do any work and eat healthy was the only advise that everyone gave me.Eat healthy never happened cause I had a lot of craving for junk food and my hubby fulfilled all those cravings even if it was midnight.Ultimately pampered I was.


And then things took a sudden turn when I sensed some trouble in me.As usual calling up my sister, I was told to take a lot of rest and then consult the doc at the earliest.With mixed emotions when I went to the doctor,she assured me everything was normal and sent me back saying I was in no need of rest and if anything worse happens u can give me a call.This assurance lit my mind but having more experience on these,both my sister and mother,insisted I worked from home and stopped traveling.I too agreed and continued.Later I knew that from the day I went to doctor my mother kept cribbing as to why the doctor dint ask me to get a scan so that we could make sure everything was k.

But then as days passed,the tension in my mind grew than I seemed to be.Searches on NET,reading books kept my mind preoccupied.


Days continued to have the same schedule where everyday along with my work I searched for more & more information about it. Looking for possible symptoms or to find if the symptoms I were having were normal. A day came when I started having unbearable abdominal pain.But as usual I ignored it as I have this habit from childhood that unless things were really serious with me I would never tell it to anyone.Though I did not tell anyone the fear in me was triggered.Not to take a chance I decided to tell it to my mother,before I could complete it I knew what was in store.Deciding not to delay it more I called my doctor to realize she is on a vacation and she asked me to rush to the hospital.I dunno what happened post that, I remember calling my hubby,but I cant recollect anything that happened in the next 30 minutes on the way to the hospital.


The only thing I really remember was the pain I was undergoing,I don't remember anything beyond that.Every time the pain reached its peak, I remembered a friend telling that delivery pain is like the sinusoidal wave and kept assuring myself the worse is yet to come.Another scan in the evening and I knew that our dream had shattered.I could hear glasses breaking and felt it was raining heavily outside.I was shrinking in myself.Everyone around me,my hubby,mom and dad was only trying to make sure I was fine,though their dreamz were shattered too.For a moment,I dint know if I was crying cause of the pain,or for the 16 odd injections I took or cause I am loosing someone I have never even seen or spoken or touched.But I knew the person who had the biggest loss was only me.


Reassuring myself and others that I was crying due to the pain,I held my hubby's hand tight till my body expelled everything out. The pain was gone.My hubby and mom rest back to their seats and asked me to go to early bed as I was to have D&C in the morning.


Both of them caught some sleep and I had no signs of sleep absolutely.Being in the maternity dept every cry of a kid were thorns piercing my heart,tears rolled out as though there was no tomorrow and the world would end that night.More than that, the agony that if the doctor had checked when I had consulted her might be this would not have happened.Or may be this was the wrong doctor I chose.101 questions arising.Somehow I counted every single minute,I killed time by playing all the games on my fone till dawn to keep me busy.That day I felt that nights are really long and the only reason we never realized it was cause we sleep.I kept telling myself,


"Alas! I missed it!I really missed it this time" 

Promising each other that we will forget it and continue our life was the only thing we could do..But it was not so easy ,for 2-3 months there was not a single day when I'd repeat "I missed it" .Dunno whom to blame the doctor for not showing concern,or myself for having traveled on a 2-wheeler or for having pineapple's cause I dint know it would harm. The depression made me think more and then life re-winded back.


I started over to think of every mistake that happened from me from my childhood knowingly or unknowingly.If what I faced was fate decided by the Almighty,then definitely I have done something which made the Almighty decide this.The trauma began...


I  blamed myself for what happened and then start thinking the worse if this is what life has in store for me.what if.... ? I was irritated to every call I received with advise saying show this doctor and blah blah blah blah..... I literally wanna yell at all those who call to advise cause knowingly no one will ever go to a bad doctor.Even if you go in for an abortion you go to the best doctor in town then when I want that life in my arms why would I take a chance.Though I was disappointed with my doctor,I cannot say she is a bad doctor,might be even if she did her best nothing could have been done. But that doesn't give anyone the right to claim I made a mistake by choosing her.Somehow I wished there were no mobile phones and everyone had to call to landlines and someone could bluff I was in the bathroom. 

I was cursing myself for having such a fate and lamenting on what really went wrong. Even the cry of the kid at the neighborhood was hurting me,I decided work at office was better than to stay at home and grieve.It took months to convince myself that might be something better was in store for me.


Few months down the lane when life began to get normal,I heard someone say "She went for an abortion purposefully". And someone questioned me "Do you plan to adopt?".I dunno if there was an earthquake or not but definitely I was shaken,I was grief-stricken.I wished to shout out to my world that if I wanted to abort it, I dint have to publicize it to the whole world that I am carrying.I wished to scream that even if death is what I have to face I would definitely wait to get a child of our gene.But NO,I could not have shouted,I could not have swore on anyone nor cursed them.I am still grieving on my own fate.


When in a past few months,you do not remember a single day when you have not wept thinking on what you missed,this was too much to take.You wish you were not the target for this gossip.You hate to go to the place you loved the most.You just don't want anyone to say anything to you.You wish you are still in your honey-moon. 

And I still say, "I missed it!"